did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
