Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
