Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
