I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
