I must be too annoying 4 u.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
She announced her abortion via fbk
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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