I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
you're hired as official boob wrangler
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
