Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
