I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
