The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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