Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
There r osticjed everywhere
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
