Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
