So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Randomize