i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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