The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
