I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i already hear my dad disowning me
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
