its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
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his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
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I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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