I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
