You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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