things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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