my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
