Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Randomize
