im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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