Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Your penis caused this!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
