I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
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