woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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