I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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