i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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