So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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