Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
