so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
