I don't usually arrange sex via text message
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
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