You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
