I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
