Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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