Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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