I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
