my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
