Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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