I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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