I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
my liver is dry heaving
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
