I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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