Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
