U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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