Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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