There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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