Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
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He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
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you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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