i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
