I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
