You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
