And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Sorry my hands just texted you
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
