just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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