You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
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