I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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