Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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