Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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