U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Randomize
